A New Challenger Approaches – Welcome to Green Hell

It’s time to trade backyards for the Amazon.

I’m heading into Green Hell, the survival game where nature doesn’t just want you dead—it wants you paranoid, dehydrated, and wondering if that rash is the least of your problems.

This new run is coming soon to the blog, taking its place in the rotation with all the usual Survivor Incognito flair: overly ambitious decisions, chaotic jungle flailing, and a main character who probably should’ve stayed home.

So if you’ve ever wanted to see how fast someone can go from “I’ve got this” to “I think the trees are whispering,” you’re in for a treat.

Stay tuned. The jungle waits.

If you want to see how my first day in the jungle went, please check out Day 1 Diary – Green Hell – Poisoned by Nature, Humbled by Bananas

The Doedicurus Incident: How I Lost a Fight I Didn’t Know I Was Starting

Day 1 of ARK: Scorched Earth. I spawned, made some pants, and was murdered by what I thought was a friendly armoured pet rock. A true story of betrayal, bad aim, and Doedicurus rage.

Welcome to the Desert. Here’s a Spear. Try Not To Die.

I woke up in the Scorched Earth desert with nothing but my fists and the overwhelming sense that everything around me wanted me dead.

Naturally, I punched a tree, made a pickaxe, and crafted myself a stunning outfit made entirely of itchy rags. Survival 101.

That’s when I saw it: a Doedicurus.
Round, slow-moving, and with the kind of face that said, “I mind my business.” It was adorable. I felt safe.

This would be my desert buddy. My spiky little friend.
I had plans. Big plans. I was going to tame it. Name it. Maybe ride it into battle.

Then I Threw a Spear at It.

Now… in my defense, I meant to throw the spear next to the Doedicurus.
You know, to test it. Impress it. Establish dominance. Whatever people do in survival games.

What I didn’t mean to do was poke it directly in the face.

Cue a noise I didn’t know Doedicuruses could make.
Cue it rolling toward me like an angry bowling ball with revenge issues.

The Fight That Wasn’t.

I panicked.
I had one more spear. I missed.
I pulled out my fists. They were… less effective.

The Doedicurus did not miss. It swung its tail like it was trying to launch me into the next biome.
It succeeded.

Respawn, Reflect, Regret.

As I stared at the “You Died” screen, one thought ran through my head:
What the hell just happened?

I came here to survive.
I left wearing nothing but shame and a crushed dream of dinosaur friendship.


Final Thoughts

Let it be known: Doedicuruses are not your friends.
They are boulders with feelings. And those feelings are rage.

Next time, I’m taming a Jerboa. At least they don’t roll over you for sport.

Got a favourite chaotic moment?

Let me know in the comments or tag me on social—I’m always looking for new disasters to celebrate.
And if you enjoy these shorts, consider sharing the page with a fellow survivor.
Because nothing says “friendship” like a moose silently judging you from behind a tree.

If you enjoyed that one, please check out my other stories here: Survivor’s Shorts

Also, please check out the full tale of my first day in ARK: Scorched Earth here: Day 1 Diary – ARK: Scorched Earth: Heat, Hubris & A Doedicurus

Day 1 Diary – Green Hell – Poisoned by Nature, Humbled by Bananas

Day 1 of my Green Hell playthrough on Nintendo Switch. I punch trees, fail at harvesting, make a rock axe, eat a banana, and die of mystery poison. Jungle survival rating: tragic but educational.

Welcome to the Jungle (And Immediate Regret)

I started my first Green Hell run on “Welcome to the Jungle” difficulty—just enough challenge to remind you this game isn’t here to offer a tutorial, just consequences.

My first instinct? Punch a tree. That didn’t work. Punch a bush? Still nothing. Turns out Green Hell does not share crafting logic with Minecraft. Nature ignored me. Not a single leaf fell. A humbling start.

Then I found some mushrooms. I picked them but didn’t eat them. I may be new, but I’ve played enough survival games to know that “mysterious glowing fungi” are rarely friendly.

Shelter and a Crash Course in Crafting

Eventually I stumbled into a cave with a bed and some supplies. Clearly someone had been here before me, which made me feel slightly safer and slightly more worried about what happened to them. No blood, no bones. I called it home.

With a brief window of calm, I opened my notebook and realized I could craft tools—if I had rope. Problem: I had no rope.

Before I could even get to that, I spent a solid chunk of time trying to gather sticks. I tried punching trees again. Still nothing. It wasn’t until I started actually looking at the ground that I realized: sticks just lie around. You don’t harvest them. You notice them. Like a fool, I’d been missing the forest and the trees.

Rope: My Greatest Enemy

Most of the rest of the day was spent looking for vines. According to my notebook, I could harvest them from trees, but not just any trees. Only certain ones. And only if I looked at the exact right spot, with just the right angle. Jungle logic.

Finding those vines ate up more time than anything else. But eventually, victory. I made rope. Combined it with a stick and a stone, and I finally had a crude axe. I immediately used it to chop down a bamboo tree, because it was there. Did I need bamboo? Not even slightly. But I’d earned the right to murder a plant.

Small Wins & Sudden Defeat

A few minutes later, I found bananas. Actual food. Safe to eat. I had one. No hallucinations. No stomach cramps. I felt like a genius.

Then I saw a massive leaf and figured it looked important. I picked it up. That’s when I got poisoned.

I didn’t see what did it. No snake. No dart frog. Just instant toxins. Jungle: 1. Me: 0.

Diagnosis: Terminal Curiosity

I sprinted back to the cave and tore through my notebook looking for cures. Everything required materials I didn’t have. Plants I hadn’t seen. Tools I couldn’t craft yet.

I accepted my fate, laid down in the cave, and reflected on my accomplishments. I’d made an axe. Found a banana. Died invisible-death-style. And crucially, I now knew where rope—and sticks—actually came from.

A solid first day, all things considered.

If you enjoyed this one, why not check out my other Day One Diaries

Survivor’s Shorts Are Live – Because Chaos Deserves Its Own Page

Survivor’s Shorts is now live! A new page on the blog featuring my funniest, strangest, and most disastrous survival moments—bite-sized stories, full-sized regret.


Sometimes a moment in a survival game doesn’t need a full playthrough post—it just needs a spotlight, a raised eyebrow, and maybe a bandage.

That’s where Survivor’s Shorts comes in.

It’s a new page on the blog dedicated to the little disasters. The sudden bear charges. The pancake heartbreaks. The moose lurking behind trees. All real stories from my permadeath runs, trimmed down and served with a side of sarcasm.

If you’ve ever screamed when you meant to crouch or felt betrayed by a breakfast item, you’ll feel right at home.

What You’ll Find There

The Pancake Betrayal – Found the recipe. Found the syrup. Got betrayed by Cooking Level 4.

There is more coming soon. But here is what to expect for ones that are being drafted:

The Wolf That Interrupted My Mapping Session – Cartography meets carnivore.

The Moose Behind the Tree – A 5% spawn rate that showed up at 100% volume.

The Doedicurus That Broke My Spirit – One spear. No hits. Lots of tail.

The One-Shot Wonder – A bear, a rifle, and a moment of absolute panic… that somehow worked.


And plenty more moments coming soon.

Check it Out Here:

Survivor’s Shorts

Got a favourite chaotic moment?

Let me know in the comments or tag me on social—I’m always looking for new disasters to celebrate.
And if you enjoy these shorts, consider sharing the page with a fellow survivor.
Because nothing says “friendship” like a moose silently judging you from behind a tree.

Day One Diaries – Green Hell is Live!

Think you’ve had a rough first day in the jungle? I punched trees, failed at crafting, ate a banana, and died of mystery poison. My Green Hell Day One Diary is now live on the blog.

Read it here: [Green Hell – Day 1: Poisoned by Nature, Humbled by Bananas]

Includes

  • Jungle logic that makes no sense
  • A hard-won rock axe
  • Banana-fueled optimism
  • And a fatal case of “I don’t know what poisoned me”.

Check it out—and if you enjoy that descent into chaos, there are plenty more Day One Diaries waiting for you on the blog here: [Day One Diaries]

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